Headline Hunting!

Banning straws won't stop big government from sucking Antoinette.

Good morning America. It's the Monday after the first week of the NFL which means it's time for the overreactions and adult beverages🍸🍷. Remember, drinking during the game is how we play along... it helps to keep the fan involved, psyched up, insightful and extremely knowledgable about all the plays called and what should have been called🍺. After all, it's not easy becoming a first string armchair quarterback🛋🏈, and just like the players practice, workout, run laps, etc. the sideline savants need reps doing the 12oz curl! It sharpens the brain I'm told. Cheers, 🍻! However, drinking on the first Monday after the games begin is different because for some the dream of a great season has been shattered by just one game😰 so it's time to head straight to the hard stuff🍸. And for others it's just killing time until the Super Bowl because of how just one game went 🥳 so break out the bubbly🍾. The tweeners can just tread water with beer🍺, unless you're a millennial and drink the spiked kool-aid, white claw🍹. I guess you have to if you want to fit in those skinny jeans🚶‍♂️.

 So if you're a Dolphin🐬 fan time to go drown yourself, and if you're a Patriot fan time to go...ugg🥾! Everyone else just relax... it's a long season and it's sports which means it really is reality TV📺 and isn't scripted so just let it play out. Of course hyperbole and over reactions aren't just limited to football season. Just look at some of the headlines lately if you want to see over reactions and insanity. "Vegan🍆 sues neighbor for barbecuing meat🥩 in their own backyard." Apparently, in western Australia, the smell of shrimp on the barbie, or maybe it was Roo🦘, was enough to keep a poor vegan yoga 🧘‍♀️masseuse lady imprisoned in her own home because the smell offended her delicate sensibilities🤭. She also said they did it intentionally knowing the smells would waft across the fence line in a deliberate campaign to irritate her. Sometimes, she stated, they even smoked🚬 in their yard forcing her to stay indoors. Wait! It gets worse. The carnivorous, smoking, insensitive cretins even allowed their heinous offspring(often referred to as children) to play basketball in their driveway🏀. Blimey mate! Thankfully, the judge laughed at the suit and threw it out, while the neighbors scheduled a bbq with thousands of their friends to try and rebuild the relationship. Cheers! Or how about this one? "Wealthy Washington DC suburb wants to ban barking at local dog park."🐕🤫 In upscale Chevy Chase where one percenters call home🏰, a recent decision to turn some empty green space into a leash free pooch playground posits problems for persnickety pissed off people panting for peaceful poodles🐩. Apparently, the sound of a dog bark outside is enough to set some people off 🤬... presumably those who don't need a best friend. Now they want barking dogs banned and even fined🚫. Not sure if the three strike law will apply to multiple offenders, but if so it's off to the dog pound fido🚔! In an effort to reduce tension between the good (dog owners) and the bad (presumably cat people) the board chairman decided it would be a good idea to pay $1300 to a woman with a degree in epidemiology to study the behavior of the dogs and their owners, hmm!🤔 Money well spent💵, because as she reported at a recent meeting, one of these people did allow their dog to use the outdoor facilities on a green space next to the street! WTF! No mention if the police were called or if any fire hydrant was damaged as this was purely academic research, but obviously a problem exists somewhere in this headline grabbing crisis. There's more...a self loathing anti-Israeli Palestinian American, L Sarsourpuss joins self loathing Jewish American communist presidential candidate, Bernie Feels campaign... that's rich! Or, Climate change proven by Dorian... when I thought climate change has nothing to do with weather...unless weather can be construed to prove climate change, huh! Then of course notice the irony in this recent juxtaposition of headlines. "California city bans straws: violators face jail time." Followed by, "Knowingly exposing others to HIV is no longer a felony in California." So in essence they are saying suck at your own risk to both! 🙈🙉🙊 But the one that should be most concerning is a journalist was charged $67,689🧾💰🍺 for a beer that should have been $6.76. Now of course the bar did right by the guy and didn't charge him for the salted peanuts🥜, but still... just kidding... they did offer to refund him the difference which was nice, but apparently the charge went through... so now it will be 10 days until he gets his refund. Of course the real story is in between the lines...how does a journalist get charged nearly 70 large💲... and it goes through?! What's his line of credit💳? How does he have so much in checking? Does he know the Clinton's? Has he ever written a dossier? Hacked a Hollywood phone? Been to Davos? Who says journalism is dead and newspapers are passe? Well it certainly wasn't Joe Jackson. He knew you could find all the answers in the Sunday Papers ...

Mother doesn't go out anymore
Just sits at home and rolls her spastic eyes
But every weekend through the door
Come words of wisdom from the world outside

If you want to know 'bout the bishop and the actress
If you want to know how to be a star
If you want to know 'bout the stains on the mattress
You can read it in the Sunday papers
Sunday papers

Sunday papers, don't ask no questions

Sunday papers, don't get no lies
Sunday papers, don't raise objections
Sunday papers, ain't got no eyes