Emergency Services
Remember, as Hannibal Lecter says, "when the food runs out we'll still have each other," and hopefully a nice chianti Antoinette.
Well boys and girls you don't need me to tell you things are getting dire. In fact things have gotten so bad, soon you'll be thinking you're living in France🇫🇷. OMD! Que'est-ce que vous avez dit? Apparently the shortage/hoarding of TP🧻 has led to a run on the bidet market! You know, la douche for your dark side of the moon so it will appear as bright as Uranus🌝. But that's just the beginning mon frere! With a virtual lockdown on movement other than bowel🚽, our daily life has been disrupted to the point that only essential industries are operating. Of course as your personal link to alcohol, my services are deemed essential... cheers🥂. But what about the emergency services? And I'm not talking about 5-0🚔, the Doc👨⚕️, or food🥩. What about those broken New Year's resolutions of losing the tire around the waist. If all you can do is sit around the house, morph into a couch potato, cram your pie hole with cheetos and PBRs🍺, they're gonna need a crane🏗 to get you out. And what will happen to those Starbuck's dependent frappe mocha macchiato milkshake types who can't get through a day without spending $20 on pretend coffee☕. They're the alcohol equivalent of, "I want to drink but I don't like the taste of alcohol... can you make me something so I don't taste it🍹?" 7/11 is going to be a shock to their system. Then what about all those millennials used to getting their hair coiffed weekly at their androgynous salon💇♂️💇♀️ for no apparent reason. Wait, will the military start looking like the French soldier... the shaggy G.I.? Imagine if this goes on for weeks... and nature takes its course... people won't just be wearing facemasks😷, they'll be wearing ski masks. The line at the "coloring salon" will be miles long when this is all over. Otherwise, you'll be hearing lines like, "Hey I thought you were a redhead?" Or, "man this Corona virus really aged you." We can't have that people. Nobody wants to live in a world that real.🙈🙉🙊 Which is another reason my services have been deemed essential🍸. Now hear me out. Just as in the scientific formula that proves there is enough alcohol to improve everyone's appearance with beer goggles🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺 by the time closing time rolls around at the bar to the point that photoshop will call asking how you did it🤔, there is also enough booze to make everyone attractive who has been shut off from their usual... let's call it "maintenance" routine. Just consider the tried and true before and after timeline. Before...
Willllbuurrrr! Any resemblance to #AOC is purely coincidental. Then 24 later...
Hey baby... do you graze here often?
"Come a little closer and I'll share my Corona vaccine with you."😜 Afterall, nobody says it's more blissful to know everything down to its roots... nope bliss comes from ignorance, and the best way to stay ignorant is keep drinking. I'll let you know when it's closing time. So forget about the fat farm, the hair salon, or the gym. Us regular guys got this... that's why God invented baseball caps, pushups (well at least the 12oz curl) and alcohol. Now everyone put on the beer goggles🤓 for the duration and depending on your team you can be like Leighton Meester and Drink til He's Cute, or Neal McCoy and just be like Billy, cuz Billy's got his Beer Goggles On...
He's on the dance floor yelling "Freebird"
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him another girl he hold on tight
He don't see ugly
Through blood shot eyes
He'll fall apart when he gets home
But right now his worries are gone
'Cause life looks good, good, good
So good, good, good,
Life looks good, good, good
Billy's got his beer goggles on.
Well boys and girls you don't need me to tell you things are getting dire. In fact things have gotten so bad, soon you'll be thinking you're living in France🇫🇷. OMD! Que'est-ce que vous avez dit? Apparently the shortage/hoarding of TP🧻 has led to a run on the bidet market! You know, la douche for your dark side of the moon so it will appear as bright as Uranus🌝. But that's just the beginning mon frere! With a virtual lockdown on movement other than bowel🚽, our daily life has been disrupted to the point that only essential industries are operating. Of course as your personal link to alcohol, my services are deemed essential... cheers🥂. But what about the emergency services? And I'm not talking about 5-0🚔, the Doc👨⚕️, or food🥩. What about those broken New Year's resolutions of losing the tire around the waist. If all you can do is sit around the house, morph into a couch potato, cram your pie hole with cheetos and PBRs🍺, they're gonna need a crane🏗 to get you out. And what will happen to those Starbuck's dependent frappe mocha macchiato milkshake types who can't get through a day without spending $20 on pretend coffee☕. They're the alcohol equivalent of, "I want to drink but I don't like the taste of alcohol... can you make me something so I don't taste it🍹?" 7/11 is going to be a shock to their system. Then what about all those millennials used to getting their hair coiffed weekly at their androgynous salon💇♂️💇♀️ for no apparent reason. Wait, will the military start looking like the French soldier... the shaggy G.I.? Imagine if this goes on for weeks... and nature takes its course... people won't just be wearing facemasks😷, they'll be wearing ski masks. The line at the "coloring salon" will be miles long when this is all over. Otherwise, you'll be hearing lines like, "Hey I thought you were a redhead?" Or, "man this Corona virus really aged you." We can't have that people. Nobody wants to live in a world that real.🙈🙉🙊 Which is another reason my services have been deemed essential🍸. Now hear me out. Just as in the scientific formula that proves there is enough alcohol to improve everyone's appearance with beer goggles🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺🍺 by the time closing time rolls around at the bar to the point that photoshop will call asking how you did it🤔, there is also enough booze to make everyone attractive who has been shut off from their usual... let's call it "maintenance" routine. Just consider the tried and true before and after timeline. Before...
"Come a little closer and I'll share my Corona vaccine with you."😜 Afterall, nobody says it's more blissful to know everything down to its roots... nope bliss comes from ignorance, and the best way to stay ignorant is keep drinking. I'll let you know when it's closing time. So forget about the fat farm, the hair salon, or the gym. Us regular guys got this... that's why God invented baseball caps, pushups (well at least the 12oz curl) and alcohol. Now everyone put on the beer goggles🤓 for the duration and depending on your team you can be like Leighton Meester and Drink til He's Cute, or Neal McCoy and just be like Billy, cuz Billy's got his Beer Goggles On...
He's on the dance floor yelling "Freebird"
Singing off pitch but he knows every word
Grabs him another girl he hold on tight
He don't see ugly
Through blood shot eyes
He'll fall apart when he gets home
But right now his worries are gone
'Cause life looks good, good, good
So good, good, good,
Life looks good, good, good
Billy's got his beer goggles on.
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