A Christmas Story
It's that time of year again, which means it's time to find your Christmas spirit. I'll start with wine🍷 Antoinette!
That's right boys and girls it's Christmas Eve Eve🎄. That means you have 24 hours until you have to start shopping. Since I'm in Virginia and things have gotten blue👎 around here despite a booming economy, I think I'll be like Ralphie and ask Santa🎅 for additions to my gun cabinet before those who think the Constitution is unconstitutional try and ruin Virginia like the places they came from but couldn't abide to live in anymore. In fact better bring some rounds for everybody. And while you're at it bring a round for everybody!🍻 You're welcome. Hopefully that didn't cause anyone to run for a safe space🏃♀️...I do know that there are several of you out there who the Italians 🇮🇹 like to refer to as Fra-gee-lay. Oh well, if you're so afraid of the dark turn on your one legged fishnet stocking clad, sexy lamp and get some light on the subject...
you know the two legged major prize sitting under the mistletoe with eggnog on her lips. Yeah #metoo!😜
And speaking of what to do and not do with your tongue... weren't we?😜... anyway never stick your tongue👅 on an ice cold pole even when triple dog dared. Warm it up first!🙉🙊🙈 We don't want to embarrass you and have to call the fire department because you couldn't get unstuck from an ice cold pole. In fact there are many other ways to put your tongue to good work like caroling. Christmas is a great time for warming up the pipes. (No this is a different subject) There are many great songs 🎶out there with deep messages, earnest hopes, and festive reveries. You can get some pipe practice in with your favorite Carol... or Sophia, or Raquel, or Maria, or especially Nadine!👄 And in fact invite them all... back up dancers are always an added bonus.
You're a monster, Mr. Schiff
Your heart's an empty room
Your brain is full of droppings, you've got sewage in your womb, Mr. Schiff 💩
I wouldn't touch you with the #fraudsquad's thirty-nine-and-a-half foot broom!
We could also sing Baby, its Cold Outside, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman⛄ or White Christmas but that might set off the crazy, victimless victim SJW's in search of victimhood which is always the number one ask on their letter📄 to Santa as long as it's understood that there are no religious connotations at all⛪... at least not Christian. Hmm, the nerve that some people have thinking the Christ in Christmas is somehow related to the Christ in Christian and that 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus. Of course the fact is it is Christmas, so it's important we dwell on the positive Christmas carols and spirit...oh, thanks for reminding me, 🍸. Feliz Navidad! Of course this classic can't offend anyone, right?
That's right boys and girls it's Christmas Eve Eve🎄. That means you have 24 hours until you have to start shopping. Since I'm in Virginia and things have gotten blue👎 around here despite a booming economy, I think I'll be like Ralphie and ask Santa🎅 for additions to my gun cabinet before those who think the Constitution is unconstitutional try and ruin Virginia like the places they came from but couldn't abide to live in anymore. In fact better bring some rounds for everybody. And while you're at it bring a round for everybody!🍻 You're welcome. Hopefully that didn't cause anyone to run for a safe space🏃♀️...I do know that there are several of you out there who the Italians 🇮🇹 like to refer to as Fra-gee-lay. Oh well, if you're so afraid of the dark turn on your one legged fishnet stocking clad, sexy lamp and get some light on the subject...
you know the two legged major prize sitting under the mistletoe with eggnog on her lips. Yeah #metoo!😜
And speaking of what to do and not do with your tongue... weren't we?😜... anyway never stick your tongue👅 on an ice cold pole even when triple dog dared. Warm it up first!🙉🙊🙈 We don't want to embarrass you and have to call the fire department because you couldn't get unstuck from an ice cold pole. In fact there are many other ways to put your tongue to good work like caroling. Christmas is a great time for warming up the pipes. (No this is a different subject) There are many great songs 🎶out there with deep messages, earnest hopes, and festive reveries. You can get some pipe practice in with your favorite Carol... or Sophia, or Raquel, or Maria, or especially Nadine!👄 And in fact invite them all... back up dancers are always an added bonus.
Ok👌, now that we're warmed up let's practice a few numbers. We can do the funny Christmas classic...
Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg
Batmobile lost a wheel and Robin flew away.
Or we can sing about the Scrooges. Those nefarious and specious sorts who try their hardest to ruin Christmas for the rest of us. You know... the unAmerican types who forget the principles America was founded on and hate what Christmas stands for... you know who I'm talking about... the world's most worthless Grinch...
You're a mean one, Mr. Schiff
You really are a heel
You're as prickly as a cactus, you're as slimey as an eel, Mr. Schiff 🤥
You're a rotten banana with a greasy black peel!
You really are a heel
You're as prickly as a cactus, you're as slimey as an eel, Mr. Schiff 🤥
You're a rotten banana with a greasy black peel!
Your heart's an empty room
Your brain is full of droppings, you've got sewage in your womb, Mr. Schiff 💩
I wouldn't touch you with the #fraudsquad's thirty-nine-and-a-half foot broom!
We could also sing Baby, its Cold Outside, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman⛄ or White Christmas but that might set off the crazy, victimless victim SJW's in search of victimhood which is always the number one ask on their letter📄 to Santa as long as it's understood that there are no religious connotations at all⛪... at least not Christian. Hmm, the nerve that some people have thinking the Christ in Christmas is somehow related to the Christ in Christian and that 8 pound, 6 ounce newborn infant Jesus. Of course the fact is it is Christmas, so it's important we dwell on the positive Christmas carols and spirit...oh, thanks for reminding me, 🍸. Feliz Navidad! Of course this classic can't offend anyone, right?
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos...
Jack Frost nipping at your nose
Yuletide carols being sung by a choir
And folks dressed up like Eskimos...
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see reindeer really know how to fly
He's loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see reindeer really know how to fly
Hmm, well maybe. Now of course spying can be good or bad. It's not nice to spy on what possible gifts you may receive even if you do use your secret decoder pin gift from Little Orphan Annie. You might be disappointed when it's just a box of ovaltine. Of course spying is also bad when they're bad at it, like Steele, or pretend anonymous whistleblowers who will undoubtedly find coal in their stocking because the best spy of all is not Bond, James Bond(he's number 2 because, well we all know... they didn't invent Bond Girls and Martinis for nothing). #metoo
The best spy is Santa Claus of course. He's better than the NSA. He works one day a year and checks out what you're doing every other day. He knows who's naughty or nice. Hmm, I'd like to take a gander at that list. I wonder if any protesters, antifa types, PC nazi's etc. are on the nice list? Highly doubtful. They're like the bullies Scut Farkus and Grover Dill. Basically just 2 blowhards (not the good kind)🙊 who try to intimidate the masses by screaming louder🗣 and traveling in groups to intimidate the normal non retarded members of society. But of course as always happens in America, the good guys win in the end and the nice, mild mannered Ralphie gets his revenge and tears off the mask exposing the bully for the cry baby😭 phoney in need of a safe space loudmouth he is and without the use of his Red Ryder BB gun. Remember bullies, if you use bad words and are impolite to people, not only will Santa know, but you're liable to get your mouth washed out with Lifebuoy soap. 🤮
So to sum up the moral of the story, remember first to always look where you aim... no one wants to get a shot in the eye even when it's a ricochet.🙈 Triple dog dares should be left for those willing to withstand the inevitable embarrassment of getting their tongues twisted around the wrong pole and certain board games or other stocking stuffers. Don't wear so many winter layer's that you'll be needing a Lifecall medical alarm. 🤔 When attempting to bribe a teacher, liquor works better 🍾 than fruit baskets. And if the stamp on the back of your spine says fragile (fra-gee-lay) ask Santa for some Dutch courage, 🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂. Everyone have a Merry Christmas. And if you're a non believer... have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the day off bestowed upon you by the guy who could turn water into wine.🍷 A true Christmas miracle. Now where's my figgy pudding?
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year
We wish you a Merry Christmas
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year
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