Don't Drink the Water

Don't stop drinking for good, because then you'd be drinking for evil Antoinette!

Well boys and girls it's a good week for drinking out there, because it's a good week to celebrate that which makes living worth living... warm weather, outdoor parties, day drinking, playing the ponies and road trips south of the border even if they're metaphorical. First off all those nutjob types trying to prevent global warming have been soundly defeated. That's right...for the umpteenth consecutive year it's going to get hot up in here... the north...above the equator and next to Winterfell, Detroit, the Dakotas, and even NYC where just like that huge undead lizard Viserion, a dragon lady's breath has been heating up the city while trying to cool it down with her constant braying of oxymoronic Icy hot non sequiturs #AOC. So for the time being Winter isn't coming...the undead are dead...and now there's a big pile of bones to clean up in the front yard so tell the Baha Men I let the dogs out to clean up the mess☠🍗. Oooh, that was ruff...ruff! (Dad joke#1) If you G.O.T. then you know what I'm talking about, though unlike G.O.T. I tend to shine some light on the subject so that hopefully you will see what I'm saying, and more importantly see what you're drinking 🍹because we have some great reasons to throw them back this week. I'm not talking about made up things that couldn't really happen in the real world like dragons🐉 in NYC #AOC or Chappaqua #imwithered for that matter, and Night Kings 👹though I did know a guy in Santorini who said his name was Andreas the King of the Night for his ability with the ladies, and Zombies🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️...the undead types not the ones that make your wish you were dead🍸, and bars that actually only serve NON alcoholic drinks🍼 but charge as if they had put alcohol in it. Huh? 🤔 Hello! That's called a mixer. And a mixer without alcohol is like a mixer without women...no point! Color me old fashioned, but bars were invented for a reason. A place where men can be men. Drink, curse, fight, brag, pick up girls the old fashioned way with their full proof pick up lines like, "I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?" Yeah #metoo. Not any of this new fangled jive of internet dating, swiping right and exaggerated bio's of alternative facts. Real men exaggerate face to face which means alcohol is required for the blurred vision and lower standards. Now I don't have a problem with someone taking a night off from drinking, or nine months when necessary... afterall, the world needs designated drivers. But as a general rule I don't get why you would go to a "bar" that doesn't put alcohol in the drink, charges you like it does with a $13 coconut and pineapple cocktail, otherwise known as the master cleanse, knowing that the patrons won't get any better looking, they'll be less likely to respond favorably to your pick up lines and your likeliness of going home alone is like 100%. Imagine the conversations...they will all be centered on their latest cleanse. Now I certainly appreciate toilet humor as much as the next guy, but when out in NYC with the stars and glitterati I prefer to leave the detritus of Uranus out of it. (Dad joke #2)  Remember boys and girls, if you are going to live your life sans alcohol...when you wake up is as good as you will feel all day. That's not me talking...that's science and who wants to be a science denier👨‍🔬. Now time for some more science and with a higher probability of being legitimate than climate forecasting or modern sexual determination♀️♂️. 

That's right I'm talking about betting on the horses. This week kicks off the race for the Triple Crown with the 145th Run for the Roses, 🏇the Kentucky Derby...the oldest continuous sporting event in the USA. 🇺🇸#MAGA.  So put on your big hat🎩, your funny socks🧦, mix a batch of mint Juleps🍹, and put your money down💵. I like to bet a favorite☝️, a medium risk🤞 and a long shot 🙏so this year I'm going Omaha Beach, Tacitus, and Cutting Humor for the big bucks. Warning: this is not to be considered advice on how to spend your savings unless I'm right, and you win, then I want a cut...otherwise just consider it like the above mentioned sciences...political science...where the real world doesn't matter just the ability to take advantage of the power of stupid people in large groups🐑🐑🐑. The other good thing about the Derby this year is that it serves as a warm up to that festival of all festivals🎉🎊🎈. The gran fiesta... the party that will never let you forget when it is🗓. The party that assures that all Americans of drinking age are bilingual...sì, sì. The fiesta that ensures Mexico's war record will include at least one victory, and France would once again play the role of Sister Mary's of the Poor in the season opener against Notre Dame🏈 OMD! Well it's important to warm up before going all out whether you're a realist, or live in the land of make believe dragons🐉, zombies🧟‍♀️ and Star Trek characters👽. So take your time...build up your alcohol tolerance🍾🍷🍸🍹🍺🍻🥂 on Saturday at the Derby parties and your number one son's graduation😀, and then Sunday you'll be slamming piñatas as fast as tequila slammers on Cinco de Mayo🇲🇽. In other words for all you trekkies...May the Fourth be with you!(Dad Joke #3...I know that will trigger somebody🤯) Well I think it's time for some Refreshments, and then let's head south of the border and get this party started... just don't drink the water and watch out for the Banditos...

So give your ID card to the border guard
Your alias says you are John Luke Picard
Of the united federation of planets
'Cause they won't speak English any ways

Everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We'll divvy up there

Yeah, everybody knows
That the world is full of stupid people
Well I got the pistol so I get the pesos
Yeah that seems fair